I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
