Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
