bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize