i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize