i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
