i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
