He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
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