Apparently you make a good broom.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
