The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
