My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
farters have to be the big spoon...
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
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I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
This toilet bowl is my home.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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