i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
