I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
