if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
the raccoons are back...
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