I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
