New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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