when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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