Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Randomize
