Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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