Who did Billy Mays play for?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Randomize
