The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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