I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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