i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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