I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
