Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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