Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
