Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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