Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
