Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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