Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
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