Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
