Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
