Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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