apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
