Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
