I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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