Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Randomize
