I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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