my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
