Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
