he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
my liver is dry heaving
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
