I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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