I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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