literally had 100 drinks last night.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
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