the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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