Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
