i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
All the doctor said was why
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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