just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize