he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
