i already hear my dad disowning me
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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