it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
