just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I don't think brook has ever known best
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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