Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Randomize
