take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Randomize
