Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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