connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Randomize
