im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
did i just pee glitter
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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