Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
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