Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
