too bad you live with your parents still
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
